If I Were Really Being Honest

You'd know I try to keep my calmest  
Enough to be balanced 

On the outside 

What's inside 

A huge filing cabinet without folders, labels, in disarray 
Organizing is like standing in the eye of a tornado

This feeling inside me is causing constant disaster  

Wanting to catch it but it's slippery  

 A soapy bar  

Hoping to grip it

Oh so close 

But I'm falling too fast 

Nothing to hold  

Stretching my limbs  

Already sold  

No longer am bold 

In this presence I feel weak 

At a loss of words waiting for you to speak 

Just trying to get through  

Taking deep breaths 

Walking up a stair case with too many steps 

Squinting for answers  

Only brings up those pre-test regrets  

Stomach sinking low 

Lost of treasure  

Filled with bubbles of displeasure 

Mind wrapped around you  

Twisting, turning, tossing, swaying 

They say I'm caught up 

Love drunk 

All that means is judgment went flying 

And I threw it  

It flys by and away 

Eyes glazed over  

Polished and sealed  

I made a deal 
No regards of myself, my mind, my heart 

Another petal drawn  

Plucked from the purity  

Torn away from the intended wholeness 

When I place it in those hands 

Trust it in those palms  

Vulnerability is shown in the scars 

Of another man 

I will get through this 

I will get through this 

Seeing the distance  

Noticing a difference  

Will I trust my intuition 

Step back from the situation  

Take the objective stance  

There's the evidence 

Something is shifting  

I can sense it 

Now I just need to believe it 

Just believe it  

It's when the grip becomes loose  

I tend to hold tighter 

As if I need to clarify my value 

Excuse me 

Don’t you see what I want to give to you 

No, you don't even want to receive  

And yet here I sit  

Convincing myself you need to believe  

Believe in my value, my love 

What we could, together, achieve  

But you don't see 

Its just me 

You don't see  

Does that lower my worth  

I seem to be convinced that it does 

Although it does hurt  

Nothing about what I am, have and desire to give is changed  

It cannot be negotiated down 

It is not given to be tossed around 

It is not a game  

And I 

Will move on 

Because my love is enough  

It is bold and strong

It is powerful and accepting  

It is not up for betting  

No luck or chance will win me 

Nor will the desire to be irreplaceable  

In me has been placed true beauty 

I will not settle for anyone who sees through me