Disillusioned Longing

Catching myself dreaming

Of arms that don't hold me 

Thinking upon things unwritten

Reliving memories

Future fantasies

But ultimately creating

Another life in my mind

Unknown to my reality

I'm pushing myself to the side

And I wonder if I myself have something to hide

So I want someone else to tease it out of me

I tell myself I'm worthy 

And I am but

Those thoughts like to desert me 

I'm okay with who I am

Until I suck myself into the cycle

Caught up in the hands of a man 

I don't want my mind to be a space

Where I rent out to you my mental place

My mental state

Is shuffled and hard to find like a joker card

I'm not a magician with memorized tricks

Trying to figure myself out would require 

A countless amount of picks

So I'm hoping maybe I'll get lucky

If that even is a thing

I think it's more like random

Which just means taking a chance

But is rolling the dice

Another hopeless romance?

I was great before you appeared 

Seeming innocent and fresh

But now you've got me wondering

What is the value of my breath 

My chest

Pounds at the thought of you

Still I'm not sure what I even mean to you

And I think my hearts leading me somewhere 

It wants me to go somewhere new

Because with you 

It's unprotected

That's a dangerous place

Without you it feels neglected 

I long for no trail back to you to be traced

I can't let myself put the blame on you 

I won't allow my heart to do so

The thought of something 

Is what pains me

The possibility is what's so enticing

But here's the question I struggle with most

If it was what I wanted would it satisfy us both?