Disillusioned Longing

Catching myself dreaming

Of arms that don't hold me 

Thinking upon things unwritten

Reliving memories

Future fantasies

But ultimately creating

Another life in my mind

Unknown to my reality

I'm pushing myself to the side

And I wonder if I myself have something to hide

So I want someone else to tease it out of me

I tell myself I'm worthy 

And I am but

Those thoughts like to desert me 

I'm okay with who I am

Until I suck myself into the cycle

Caught up in the hands of a man 

I don't want my mind to be a space

Where I rent out to you my mental place

My mental state

Is shuffled and hard to find like a joker card

I'm not a magician with memorized tricks

Trying to figure myself out would require 

A countless amount of picks

So I'm hoping maybe I'll get lucky

If that even is a thing

I think it's more like random

Which just means taking a chance

But is rolling the dice

Another hopeless romance?

I was great before you appeared 

Seeming innocent and fresh

But now you've got me wondering

What is the value of my breath 

My chest

Pounds at the thought of you

Still I'm not sure what I even mean to you

And I think my hearts leading me somewhere 

It wants me to go somewhere new

Because with you 

It's unprotected

That's a dangerous place

Without you it feels neglected 

I long for no trail back to you to be traced

I can't let myself put the blame on you 

I won't allow my heart to do so

The thought of something 

Is what pains me

The possibility is what's so enticing

But here's the question I struggle with most

If it was what I wanted would it satisfy us both?

Desire For Validation

The seams are stretching 

Torn apart one hole after another 

It's growing inside me 

Going up in sizes before my eyes

The yearning desire

Expanding every chamber 

And in the midst of this

I want to disappear

Neglect all responsibilities

Strike through my task list

Shred my planner

And forget all the difficulties

Put my heart on pause

Let my brain have a break

Purge out my flaws

Cleanse the filters

Operation out the internal struggle

Pull apart the knots

Unchained

Restriction breaking through the chains

Life can be surrounded by pain

When in reality there is freedom

Freedom that unleashes the beast inside of you

Everyone and everything wants to contain

Freedom through the you inside you that has this ridiculous mane

Not just for looks

and not just some name

No this mane frames the face of the talent, creativity and innovation

Of your uniqueness

You are your own original

So stop letting others have last say to be sold

Don't let what the world has to say allow you to become cold

Slipping into slumber

There goes your mind

Wandering around the world aimlessly

But in reality

Blind

Shielded from the life up above

They'd rather have you believing in the dark

The light is too powerful

Crawling through tunnels

Have you believing your life should be like a mole

But your life has something to say

Let it out before yourself

Let it speak itself into being

Break the caves

Blow out the walls around you and let yourself stray

From the flow of things

They are Always rushing and pushing and expecting

Placing burdens on you more weighty than the rattle you shook as a baby

Dangling toys above your head distracting you from the rest

Hoping to keep you preoccupied

Brought up in school

We're told to strive for what they say is the best

So that you won't be punished for your failed test

Who cares about grades

Receiving C's is average,  and A's bring praise

But in the scope of the bigger picture

Failing shouldn't be so stressed

Because in the bigger picture

We get knocked off our feet

We get thrown around a bit- a lot

But it's in those times we remember that when we do what they say

We don't have to be worried

So we align closer every day

To absorb in fullness what they teach

Utter back to them perfectly every single speech

Categorizing, memorizing, opinion-izing

Not allowing for each to be each

Drilling into the cells of your memory

Yet it's what they say and think

And we wonder why we lack so much security

Money Makes the World Go Round

Feeling crummy?

Buy something nice to flip that frown

I got what you want 

Half price

Discount

What you have is good..

But this is better

Not feeling satisfied?

It's a not lie

It's really what you're missing

Something new deep down inside

Let your grasp loosen and give into the ride

All you need is..

To try

Work harder

More hours

Dream bigger

Don't smell the flowers

Treat yourself because you deserve it

Skip the meal and get double dessert

As far as I'm concerned

Learn how to twerk

When you have a desire

Pursue it

Go all the way through with it

Emotions and logic?

All they do is create and obstacle course

You'll be convinced that in all your deepest inmost being

From the depths of your soul

To your smallest need

Rely, depend, desire and believe

In the valuable substance

That hard work brings

Lifted

Chains, Heaviness

Burdens push against my chest

As I inhale

The hot air shortens my breaths

All I want is to see

Open up my eyes and leave

The heat burns my eyes 

They begin to raise

My eyelashes singed in a flash

My nails jagged and weak 

Encasing the struggle of resistance underneath

All I want is to let my head rest

The weight above my shoulders 

Heavy and wobbling with every blind step

I can feel the pain

I am aware that I am in need 

And for once in my life I can't get myself out

My raspy, dry breath finds the courage to break open its sealed chamber

Out comes a cry

Desperate and quiet 

But in helplessness I try

Almost in an instant 

The Son is raining down

I squint my eyes 

Then open them wide

Blinking continuously

Unsure if the heat will rush inside

I lift my hand to my face

It's light and free without weight

I feel little feathers covering my eyes

Shielding me from the light

My lungs are healed 

A smooth river of air travels in and out

I breathe fast and slow

Feel the river travel as I never have before

I forget about all heaviness

And I straighten myself up
It feels like I am being helped up

Held as I stand and I take a step
I feel a freedom all the way into my veins
I can think again in my fully functioning brain

I build up the strength to bring a noise to my lips
Without effort I can speak
I forget what it is to feel weak

But it wasn't me who brought me here
I feel a presence surrounding me
Carrying my burdens
Understanding of my pain
Aware of all that I've come from
A presence inviting me in
And I walk towards it
I want to walk in 

If I Were Really Being Honest

You'd know I try to keep my calmest  
Enough to be balanced 

On the outside 

What's inside 

A huge filing cabinet without folders, labels, in disarray 
Organizing is like standing in the eye of a tornado

This feeling inside me is causing constant disaster  

Wanting to catch it but it's slippery  

 A soapy bar  

Hoping to grip it

Oh so close 

But I'm falling too fast 

Nothing to hold  

Stretching my limbs  

Already sold  

No longer am bold 

In this presence I feel weak 

At a loss of words waiting for you to speak 

Just trying to get through  

Taking deep breaths 

Walking up a stair case with too many steps 

Squinting for answers  

Only brings up those pre-test regrets  

Stomach sinking low 

Lost of treasure  

Filled with bubbles of displeasure 

Mind wrapped around you  

Twisting, turning, tossing, swaying 

They say I'm caught up 

Love drunk 

All that means is judgment went flying 

And I threw it  

It flys by and away 

Eyes glazed over  

Polished and sealed  

I made a deal 
No regards of myself, my mind, my heart 

Another petal drawn  

Plucked from the purity  

Torn away from the intended wholeness 

When I place it in those hands 

Trust it in those palms  

Vulnerability is shown in the scars 

Of another man 

I will get through this 

I will get through this 

Seeing the distance  

Noticing a difference  

Will I trust my intuition 

Step back from the situation  

Take the objective stance  

There's the evidence 

Something is shifting  

I can sense it 

Now I just need to believe it 

Just believe it  

It's when the grip becomes loose  

I tend to hold tighter 

As if I need to clarify my value 

Excuse me 

Don’t you see what I want to give to you 

No, you don't even want to receive  

And yet here I sit  

Convincing myself you need to believe  

Believe in my value, my love 

What we could, together, achieve  

But you don't see 

Its just me 

You don't see  

Does that lower my worth  

I seem to be convinced that it does 

Although it does hurt  

Nothing about what I am, have and desire to give is changed  

It cannot be negotiated down 

It is not given to be tossed around 

It is not a game  

And I 

Will move on 

Because my love is enough  

It is bold and strong

It is powerful and accepting  

It is not up for betting  

No luck or chance will win me 

Nor will the desire to be irreplaceable  

In me has been placed true beauty 

I will not settle for anyone who sees through me